Sunday, February 9, 2014

"You remind me of a sweet angle."

Is that an obtuse or an aCUTE angle, sir? I believe you meant angEL. Spelling makes all the difference in the world when you're using cheesy pick-up lines. Just can the lines. Be yourself. Can anyone swing just being himself? I'm beginning to wonder...seriously.

Online dating. Oy.

Online dating is not terrible; however, one embarking on said journey must take into account that it claims a tiny morsel of dignity and a humongous chunk of time. Online dating is like throwing people into a flour sifter and turning the crank -- the majority of the "junk" stays on the surface, leaving the bowl filled with a tinge of decency and relative normal; however, occasionally, the junk decides that it missed out, and that's how you become an angle in a sea of irrational numbers and impossible-to-decipher word problems. People are so stinkin' complex, and a good majority of them can't tell the truth. I don't get it. I've decided most folks need a crash course in online dating etiquette, so I'm here with some guidelines:

bigspenis1985 makes most women want to gag. Why? Seriously...why? Could you not come up with something more interesting than a crappy way to advertise your boy parts? If you're not creative, then do some variation on your name, but at least give thought beyond what's in your pants. I've laughed out loud at some of the usernames, and I've promptly discarded the profiles on such grounds.

  • Please take off your Oakley's when you decide to take a selfie at a traffic light. I'm glad that you can afford expensive eyewear, but I'm trying to see if I can stand how your face looks; therefore, seeing it in its entirety might help. 
  • Group pictures of you with buddies are not ideal. This isn't the Bachelorette, and you are not going on a group date. Spare your buddies the embarrassment of being plastered on your online dating profile and just put yourself out there. Come on, folks. Common sense. 
  • Bathroom mirror selfies are not attractive. And please keep your junk to yourself. Your six-pack and V-ed groin muscle are not a universal call to females across the site. As a matter of fact, cheesy, arrogant, and asinine photos make most of us throw out your profiles before reading. Decent guys are getting the axe because they think online dating requires exposing the hard work they've done at Gold's Gym recently. Yeesh. 
  • Duck lips, cleavage shots, and arse pictures really sell your intelligence to online lookers...said no one ever. Men may enjoy looking at that stuff, but you are not what they want to take home to momma. Don't be pissed off when trashy men send wildly inappropriate responses to your posted boobie shots: if you're advertising it, they'll take you up on it. 
  • If you're 35 years old, and your pictures are from that awesome Cancun trip your junior year of college, that's false advertising. Looks aren't everything, but physical attraction is important. It's horrible to meet up with someone, only to assume he ate a small country on the way. 
  • Pictures outlining your drunken nights are not exactly a top selling point, either. Wearing a hard hat with a beer on either side and plastic straw in your mouth really screams, "Procreate with me." 

The thorough and honest profile is key to online dating. Most of us are here because we're beyond college age and/or refuse to troll bars for potential mates. Filling out a profile is time consuming, but it's a great way to weed out the weird, the grammatically handicapped, and the deal breakers (smoking, doesn't want kids, has no job, lives with momma, etc.). The following are real and completely inappropriate profile content:
  • "I hate filling these things out. I'll get to it later."
  • "aljf;lakjsdfl;ksjdf;lkjsadf;lkjsd;lfjds;lfjd;slkjf;lksdjf;lkjds;fljds;lfjdsl;kfj;ldskjf;lksdjf;lkjsdf;lkjsdl;fjk"
  • "message me to know more because if I tell it all here, there's nothing left for us to discuss"
  • "i'm awesome so you should get to know me" (complete with lowercase i all over the place)
  • "looking for sexual partners, no commitment"
  • "i'm terrible with women and dating. a bit shy but if you get to know me i'll open up" (great selling point, Joe Schmoe, and I really love your lack of capitalization)
These only touch on a few of the ridiculous profiles that exist. Profiles are a place to outline your best qualities, your dealbreakers, your hang ups, something interesting about yourself, what kinds of foods you like, movies/books/tv shows you enjoy, etc. Why wouldn't people take the time to be thorough? I personally don't enjoy getting crappy messages from people who obviously didn't read my profile, and I'm certainly not going to set myself up for unwanted folks to message me. Honesty and forwardness are crucial to attracting people who can write complete sentences and have decent written communications. Ok, so you misspelled one word -- no biggie, but if your profile is riddled with "message me if your into awsome guys with grate feet rubbing skillz," then most of us aren't interested. 

There's a reason that most online sites provide a place that says Message me if...  Most of us fill out that section with information on what we are and aren't looking for. Why, oh why then, do you people insist on sending messages that say, "hey there"? What in the cat hair can I gather from "hey there"? A little substance, gentlemen, goes a long way. One word messages, especially if you make the cut for a response, scream laziness and apathy. The messages serve as a stand in for conversation; messages are designed to give us both a feel for whether or not we can have a jovial exchange with a bit of humor and honesty. "So glad it's Friday," "daayyyum girl. your cute," (yeah, your instead of you're...attractive, right?) and "hi" don't exactly give insight into your personality. Put in some effort, or just don't message us. 

Details exists so that we don't waste time trying to talk to people who lack desirable qualities. If you don't want to post your income, I get it, but when it asks if you want kids, please don't put "rather not say." What the heck does that mean? I'll be pissed if I get lured into a good time with a compatible partner only to find that he doesn't want children. For me, that's a dealbreaker. If you have children, be up front about that. I'm not particularly looking for a man with children, but I come from a situation where a good man, never married, took on my brother and me (8 and 5) when he married our momma. I'm not opposed to children, but don't use them as a surprise. 

Smoking = dealbreaker. If you smoke when you drink, then say so because I'm going to get upset if you pick up a cigarette while we're out watching local music, and your profile claims you don't smoke. 

What is your profession? I don't understand why some people won't share this up front. Not all women are gold digging beyotches. Most of us just want you to have a respectable job that pays the bills and gives you a purpose in life. I certainly can take care of myself and am not after your money. 

Height. No caveats to your height. If you're insecure about it, and I'm too tall for you, then don't message me. I don't have a problem with height; however, since high school, I've dated mostly shorter guys, and they all have some insecurity about it. Little man syndrome is annoying as hell, and quite frankly, I'm looking for someone my height or taller these days -- that way there's no issue. 

Education. Schooling is important. I'm not going to fault anyone who finished high school and has a good job, but I will say that a college education is desirable, and graduate degrees really pique my interest. It's much easier to relate to someone with comparable schooling. That being said, I try to look for men who are a bit smarter than I am; life is not fun without a challenge, so why not find a partner who has smarts different and more complex than my own? I'm liberal arts minded, so someone with another kind of advanced smarts AND an appreciation for the liberal arts is worth checking out. I'm not stupid and will not play stupid to make men like me, so if you're looking for busty, barmaid bimbos, then throw me out. This girl is classy. 

There you have it, folks: a few guidelines to online dating. Most of this stuff is common sense; however, the world seems to be filled with more idiocy than sense, thus the reason I felt compelled to share my cyber dating experience. Judge me if you will, but it is what it is. I may get lucky and drop a gallon of milk on some nice man's foot at Kroger, or I may find a great guy online. For now, all options are open. 

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