"Hey girl. Let's watch Shark Week together!"

Good grief. I don't have time to come home at night and peruse sites for decent human beings in search of companions. Occasionally, a little time weeding out the weak is in order; however, even that is often boring and depressing. Once the green light shows up next to my username and profile picture, a universal call goes out to the weirdos and messages pour in.

"Hey, I know that I'm really young, but hear me out before you judge me on my age. I'm an old soul -- outdoorsy, love The Beatles, enjoy reading in my free time. Check out my profile and get back to me if you're interested. Hopefully my age won't be a factor."

So, this all sounds completely harmless, and ladies, let's be honest: he had me at good grammar/mechanics and he sounds like a nice guy...until I click on over to his profile to discover he's 22, living at home with his mother, doesn't have a car, and describes his personality as 'class clown'. The worst part is if I choose not to engage in conversation, I'll probably receive a form of guilt or hate mail a couple days later. If you're some guys, the message doesn't have time to get cold before the accusatory mail sending ensues. And buddy, this English teacher is going to answer that hate mail with a metaphor you probably won't understand, so save yourself the embarrassment. 

"what up gurl? my name joe and i think ur cute so yeah this thing says you require 50 characters or more bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb ha!"

Delete. 

"hey gurl. u don know what ur missin u think u 2 gud for dis? whatever. u should get back 2 me. i have tats and peircings (yes, misspelled of course) and u might lyke dat. im sumthin different"

Delete.

"i c how you are.  nice guys lyke me don win. all yall want the bad guys. your makin a mistake bc your in control of your own happyness."

Reply.

"Joe, hateful badgering is not exactly the way to garner support from someone like me. I thought my silence the first two times you messaged me would be enough to get you the clue, but since you wanted to engage in conversation, here you are: the next time you want to insult someone sarcastically, use appropriate grammar and your point might be more well received. You should have said "you're missing out," as 'your' is the possessive form of the word. Furthermore, when you add -ness to a word ending in 'y,' you typically drop the 'y' and add 'i.' So now that we've had this grammar lesson, go fishing in another, less grammatically aware pond because this fish isn't interested." 

Block Joe. 

"Hey. I'm Bratwurst. Yeah, I know...strange name, but it's a great conversation starter. Any how, my friends call me Hollywood, so you can too.  So, any luck on here? I bet you get crazy messages all the time."

Delete.

"Hi, I'm Daniel. I teach high school in Metro and coach ball on the side. I moved here eight years ago just to have a change of pace, and I love Nashville.  It's cool that you're an English teacher, but it makes me a little nervous about my grammar...I'll try to be careful! Anyway, your pictures are really fun, and if you're as bold and confident as your profile suggests, I'd like to know more about you. Hope to hear from you soon.  ~Daniel

"Daniel, so nice to "meet" you! So what do you teach? I have primarily juniors and freshmen, and I'm busy with student council and prom. Was born and raised here in TN, save two years when I moved for graduate school to Ohio. No worries about your writing -- I try not to be on duty all the time. It's nice to get a message from someone with the ability to construct coherent sentences. Well, hope to hear back. Maybe we can get coffee or ice cream sometime." ~Ashley :)

No reply. 

Grr. Square one. See, that's the problem. You finally get a bite from what appears to be the normal in the pond, but then your hook gets all bent or something. Let's just say I have a decent bite on the line, but I'm continuing to fish. Can't settle for the first fun fish that swims along, but can't throw him back too soon, either. 

The moral of this story: if you're online dating, you have to go in with a good sense of humor and little expectation regarding the communication aspect of the site. Most folks send one-word correspondence that doesn't amount to much, and the ones who are intelligent and genuinely willing to meet you are few and far between. Dating is a game of patience, and I think after years of being impatient in many ways, I'm finally learning a few lessons. Have fun, be safe, and don't get too serious too fast. A happy, single you is the best start, and making friends before you consider making things more serious is a close second. "Normal" is impossible to find, but I've met a couple folks who appreciate my variety of weird, and anyone who can do that is a good apple in my book :)

"You remind me of a sweet angle."

Is that an obtuse or an aCUTE angle, sir? I believe you meant angEL. Spelling makes all the difference in the world when you're using cheesy pick-up lines. Just can the lines. Be yourself. Can anyone swing just being himself? I'm beginning to wonder...seriously.

Online dating. Oy.

Online dating is not terrible; however, one embarking on said journey must take into account that it claims a tiny morsel of dignity and a humongous chunk of time. Online dating is like throwing people into a flour sifter and turning the crank -- the majority of the "junk" stays on the surface, leaving the bowl filled with a tinge of decency and relative normal; however, occasionally, the junk decides that it missed out, and that's how you become an angle in a sea of irrational numbers and impossible-to-decipher word problems. People are so stinkin' complex, and a good majority of them can't tell the truth. I don't get it. I've decided most folks need a crash course in online dating etiquette, so I'm here with some guidelines:

Username:
bigspenis1985 makes most women want to gag. Why? Seriously...why? Could you not come up with something more interesting than a crappy way to advertise your boy parts? If you're not creative, then do some variation on your name, but at least give thought beyond what's in your pants. I've laughed out loud at some of the usernames, and I've promptly discarded the profiles on such grounds.

Photos:
Men:

• Please take off your Oakley's when you decide to take a selfie at a traffic light. I'm glad that you can afford expensive eyewear, but I'm trying to see if I can stand how your face looks; therefore, seeing it in its entirety might help. 
• Group pictures of you with buddies are not ideal. This isn't the Bachelorette, and you are not going on a group date. Spare your buddies the embarrassment of being plastered on your online dating profile and just put yourself out there. Come on, folks. Common sense. 
• Bathroom mirror selfies are not attractive. And please keep your junk to yourself. Your six-pack and V-ed groin muscle are not a universal call to females across the site. As a matter of fact, cheesy, arrogant, and asinine photos make most of us throw out your profiles before reading. Decent guys are getting the axe because they think online dating requires exposing the hard work they've done at Gold's Gym recently. Yeesh. 

Ladies:

• Duck lips, cleavage shots, and arse pictures really sell your intelligence to online lookers...said no one ever. Men may enjoy looking at that stuff, but you are not what they want to take home to momma. Don't be pissed off when trashy men send wildly inappropriate responses to your posted boobie shots: if you're advertising it, they'll take you up on it. 

Both:

• If you're 35 years old, and your pictures are from that awesome Cancun trip your junior year of college, that's false advertising. Looks aren't everything, but physical attraction is important. It's horrible to meet up with someone, only to assume he ate a small country on the way. 
• Pictures outlining your drunken nights are not exactly a top selling point, either. Wearing a hard hat with a beer on either side and plastic straw in your mouth really screams, "Procreate with me." Um...no. 

Profiles:

The thorough and honest profile is key to online dating. Most of us are here because we're beyond college age and/or refuse to troll bars for potential mates. Filling out a profile is time consuming, but it's a great way to weed out the weird, the grammatically handicapped, and the deal breakers (smoking, doesn't want kids, has no job, lives with momma, etc.). The following are real and completely inappropriate profile content:

• "I hate filling these things out. I'll get to it later."
• "aljf;lakjsdfl;ksjdf;lkjsadf;lkjsd;lfjds;lfjd;slkjf;lksdjf;lkjds;fljds;lfjdsl;kfj;ldskjf;lksdjf;lkjsdf;lkjsdl;fjk"
• "message me to know more because if I tell it all here, there's nothing left for us to discuss"
• "i'm awesome so you should get to know me" (complete with lowercase i all over the place)
• "looking for sexual partners, no commitment"
• "i'm terrible with women and dating. a bit shy but if you get to know me i'll open up" (great selling point, Joe Schmoe, and I really love your lack of capitalization)

These only touch on a few of the ridiculous profiles that exist. Profiles are a place to outline your best qualities, your dealbreakers, your hang ups, something interesting about yourself, what kinds of foods you like, movies/books/tv shows you enjoy, etc. Why wouldn't people take the time to be thorough? I personally don't enjoy getting crappy messages from people who obviously didn't read my profile, and I'm certainly not going to set myself up for unwanted folks to message me. Honesty and forwardness are crucial to attracting people who can write complete sentences and have decent written communications. Ok, so you misspelled one word -- no biggie, but if your profile is riddled with "message me if your into awsome guys with grate feet rubbing skillz," then most of us aren't interested. 

Messages:

There's a reason that most online sites provide a place that says Message me if...  Most of us fill out that section with information on what we are and aren't looking for. Why, oh why then, do you people insist on sending messages that say, "hey there"? What in the cat hair can I gather from "hey there"? A little substance, gentlemen, goes a long way. One word messages, especially if you make the cut for a response, scream laziness and apathy. The messages serve as a stand in for conversation; messages are designed to give us both a feel for whether or not we can have a jovial exchange with a bit of humor and honesty. "So glad it's Friday," "daayyyum girl. your cute," (yeah, your instead of you're...attractive, right?) and "hi" don't exactly give insight into your personality. Put in some effort, or just don't message us. 

Details:

Details exists so that we don't waste time trying to talk to people who lack desirable qualities. If you don't want to post your income, I get it, but when it asks if you want kids, please don't put "rather not say." What the heck does that mean? I'll be pissed if I get lured into a good time with a compatible partner only to find that he doesn't want children. For me, that's a dealbreaker. If you have children, be up front about that. I'm not particularly looking for a man with children, but I come from a situation where a good man, never married, took on my brother and me (8 and 5) when he married our momma. I'm not opposed to children, but don't use them as a surprise. 

Smoking = dealbreaker. If you smoke when you drink, then say so because I'm going to get upset if you pick up a cigarette while we're out watching local music, and your profile claims you don't smoke. 

What is your profession? I don't understand why some people won't share this up front. Not all women are gold digging beyotches. Most of us just want you to have a respectable job that pays the bills and gives you a purpose in life. I certainly can take care of myself and am not after your money. 

Height. No caveats to your height. If you're insecure about it, and I'm too tall for you, then don't message me. I don't have a problem with height; however, since high school, I've dated mostly shorter guys, and they all have some insecurity about it. Little man syndrome is annoying as hell, and quite frankly, I'm looking for someone my height or taller these days -- that way there's no issue. 

Education. Schooling is important. I'm not going to fault anyone who finished high school and has a good job, but I will say that a college education is desirable, and graduate degrees really pique my interest. It's much easier to relate to someone with comparable schooling. That being said, I try to look for men who are a bit smarter than I am; life is not fun without a challenge, so why not find a partner who has smarts different and more complex than my own? I'm liberal arts minded, so someone with another kind of advanced smarts AND an appreciation for the liberal arts is worth checking out. I'm not stupid and will not play stupid to make men like me, so if you're looking for busty, barmaid bimbos, then throw me out. This girl is classy. 

There you have it, folks: a few guidelines to online dating. Most of this stuff is common sense; however, the world seems to be filled with more idiocy than sense, thus the reason I felt compelled to share my cyber dating experience. Judge me if you will, but it is what it is. I may get lucky and drop a gallon of milk on some nice man's foot at Kroger, or I may find a great guy online. For now, all options are open.